On a soap box...

Forgive me in advance, but I'm going to jump on a soap box for a minute...
    I'm not really sure where this idea came from that if we as Christians do x,y, and z perfectly then we will somehow be some greater than thou Christian. I mean what is that! It really makes me think of the pharisees. Working so hard to make sure you do the right thing to perfection that you totally miss what Christianity is really all about...Relationship. I'm going to preface my next statement with the fact that I firmly believe in order to grow as a Christian you have to read the Bible and pray. However...when you become a slave to the "quiet time" and you are doing it just because you are "suppose to," then I'd be willing to bet your goal is to be a good Christian. The problem is that when we spend time reading the Bible and praying our goal should be to get to know the God of the Bible, not to read the Bible because it will make me look good. If you are just reading words and not communicating with the God who spoke those words, you probably walk away thinking, "Well that was good, not really sure what it meant, but I sure do feel better having done my "quiet time." I've talked to so many people that feel like a bad Christian when they don't do their "quiet time" every day...for at least 30min...in a quiet spot...at 5am...with their study bible and journal...and 5 extra devotionals...and 30 more min of prayer. Do you see how far we can take this idea of  a "quiet time" to make someone feel that if they don't do it this particular way, then you aren't doing it right and you should feel bad about it? For me, this idea started in youth group. I can remember thinking, "Well that sounds boring...but if you tell me I have to do it to be a good Christian, then I guess sign me up." I had youth ministers that would even give out a step by step on how to have a good "quiet time." So I worked real hard at those systems but they always left me feeling really bored. Then one of my youth ministers introduced me to a very exciting God. One that allowed me to question and challenge my beliefs. One that always left me wanting more. This youth minister didn't push a "quiet time" on me, he introduced me to the True God of the Bible. That's all it took and I realized I rather get to know God and communicate with him, than settle for something boring. When I read my Bible and pray, its not because I have to to meet my "quiet time" qouta for the day. It's because I want to have a relationship with a thrilling God. I promise, if you will quit being a slave to the "quiet time" you will experience God in a whole knew way. And believe it or not....you'll find yourself praying and picking up your Bible to read it even when its not 5am...with a big study Bible... and 5 other devotionals...in total silence. Now doesn't that sound more like a real relationship to you?

Building Communication Skills

As a counselor, I have noticed that in general people are lacking in communication skills. This is a major problem because good communication is foundational for a healthy relationship. So I've decided to share some communication skills I have learned along the way. Hopefully we will all begin actively using these skills. It's my goal to not just be a hearer of good advice, but a doer as well.
1.) A good listener helps the other feel accepted and understood by doing the following:
     *Deciding that the other person's words are important and valid and that listening is a commitment you make to your relationship.
     *Removing as many distractions as possible from your conversations (Computer, Internet, phone, ipod, tv, poor eye contact, multi-tasking, etc)
     *Waiting until the other person has finished talking before responding
     *Not "analyzing" what the other person is saying or planning ahead what you will say

2.) A good responder makes effective self-expression statements by doing the following:
     *Begin statements with "I"- this takes responsibility of emotions
     *Make statements and avoid questions
     *When you need to ask a questions, make an "I statement" first. Ex: "I am not sure what you mean. Could you tell me more?"
     *Questions should begin with "How" rather than "Why"(it is accusatory). Ex: "How did it happen that you are late tonight?
     *Make statements as straightforward and honest as possible, using few words.

3.)Contructive requests are made openly and directly. Remember:
     *It is helpful to ask, rather than assume that someone knows what you want.
     *Avoid making your request when your listener is busy or preoccupied.
4.)Feedback is information that reduces uncertainty. Give and ask for feedback often. Remember:
     *Begin with "I"
     *Refer to specific behavior. "I felt good that you called to tell me that you were going to be late." or "I would like for you to call me if you are going to be late."
     *Ask for verification. "Do you understand?"

What are your core beliefs?

One of my favorite books is The Shack by William P Young. If you haven't read it...you should! Keep in mind it is fiction and not theological doctrine...wouldn't want you to go getting your doctrinal panties in a wad. :)    One of my favorite parts in the book is when God is talking to Mack about his core beliefs. This is something I talk about when counseling...a lot! Our beliefs effect our thoughts about specific events which effects our emotional responses. For example, if you are struggling with the emotion response of fear, look back at the event that you think caused the fear and figure out how you have perceived the event and then look at the belief behind the perception...then you will find the root of the problem and begin the path to change and healing.  Clear as mud right?! Maybe this qoute from The Shack will clear it up: "Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception--what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms--what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly. But even then, you don't want to trust them more than me [God]."  Knowing what your paradigms, or core beliefs, are is key. It is so important to know what you believe, in every area of life (especially about God) and why you believe it.  If you don't your emotions and perceptions will begin shaking you to your core until you figure it out.  Ask your family and friends what their core beliefs are if you don't know where to start. If nothing else, it will encourage some great conversation with your family!  Life's to short to stay in the shallow end! :)

Changing up the blog....

Well married life is great. Can't complain one bit. My husband is wonderful. So other than constant ramblings about that...I realized I don't have much to say about being a new wife. I thought in the beginning I would talk about all the things I wish I had known prior to marriage...but then I thought...WHY SPOIL THE FUN FOR THOSE NOT MARRIED YET! :) So I'm changing up the content of this blog...While my blog is still going to be the new wife adventure, it will focus less on marriage and more on ideas, topics, issues, and spiritual matters that I have dealt with, thought about, or learned along the way. These blogs will show my true passions. Hopefully you will see more of the real me(thanks Michelle!). My first idea I'm going to explore on here is a rather small one, but I figured I should start small and slowly introduce you to my passions. :) (You'll thank me later !!) So the thought is....If your desire for meaning in life and completion is placed in anything other than your relationship with God, you will be miserable. The only source of perfection is God and everything else is imperfect. How can an imperfect being or object fulfil you? Just by nature it can't. It will let you down everytime. You will feel more lonely, more purposeless, and more incomplete. For example, if your meaning for life is found in marriage, or if you think you are made complete by your spouse, your level of insecurity grows, your level of fear grows, and your standards start dropping because they are rarely met. That's because your spouse is imperfect and they WILL let you down at some point. It is at this point, when your meaning and completion are found in your marriage, that you begin to fall apart. So over the years, even in dating relationships, I have learned that if I become consumed with someone else or something else in hopes that it will make me whole or satisfy that desire deep within for meaning in life, I will be let down everytime. But the moment I put my satisfaction and hope in my relationship with God, then everything else in life is just bonus, even my husband. What relief for him. He doesn't have to meet my every need- especially those that he couldn't meet even if he tried. My needs are meet in God and that takes a lot of presure of of everyone else, myself, and especially Andrew. My challenge to you is seek God for satisfaction and meaning so everything else can be an incredible bonus to your life. I promise it will be well worth it!